BIG IDEA: The ends does not justify the means. We must use biblical methods to achieve biblical objectives. This brings glory to God.
Unbiblical Methods
1. I Didn't Turn Out So Bad
We must not assume that our parents method may have "worked" when it comes to child rearing. We must also assess whether their impact on us was biblical. Surviving through a parents model does not mean it was godly.
2. Pop Psychology
People often use bribery or deals to motivate change in their children. Some parents use contracts, spelling out what a child must to in order for you to do something. Both these methods are superficial. It might teach them how the world works, but there is no connection to honoring or loving God and it uses the child's fleshly desires to get what you want.
3. Behavior Modification
Rewarding good behavior in some physical way and punish or ignore bad behavior. We often do this with pets who don't understand how to relate to God. It's not wrong to praise children, but they ought not to be overpraised for doing normal responsibilities. We need to remember that the heart and behavior are closely linked. Whatever modifies behavior trains the heart. So if you use worldly things and desires of the flesh, that's what you're training your kids to serve. We must train them to love and serve God.
4. Emotionalism
Using your own emotions against your child to manipulate their emotions so that their behavior changes is sinful. An angry parent telling their kids to "get away from me" causing a child to feel unloved and unwanted may cause them to do good, but it's wrong to manipulate a child this way and drives them to obey for the wrong reasons. Shaming a child into good behavior is also wrong. Isolation and ignoring a child is wrong too. None of these things address the heart of the child.
5. Punitive Correction
The threat of punishment or taking away privileges or something the child desires is sometimes used as a method of correction. Again, this does not address the heart. This is not the same as negating the use of the biblical rod which stems from a loving desire to form a child's heart in a god-ward direction and to see their soul rescued rather than destroyed. Sometimes parents will ground their kids for long periods of time without considering how this biblically shapes the heart. The goal is usually to get them to stop doing bad things, which is different that helping turn their hearts to God. Grounding in an of itself is not corrective, just punitive. That child is not shown his problem with God, how Christ resolves that problems and how the child can come into God's grace.
6. Erratic Eclecticism
Shepherding like this is all over the place. Picking up tips from magazines, tv shows, friends, etc. This is confusing to children and still does not address the heart and love for God.
Evaluating Unbiblical Methods
The common denominator is that these methods are not biblical. They are superficial and do not address the heart. The ends does not justify the means, especially when the heart is not addressed. When behavior only is address, then parenting is falling short.
Biblical behavior addresses the behavior by addressing the heart. The deep needs of the child are addressed when the heart is dealt with. The actions are expressing what is in the heart. Children must be trained to understand their internal struggles.
We must get to the gospel. We are sinners who sin and we need a Savior to reconcile us to God and to make us new.
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