BIG IDEA: Parental authority is assigned and derived from God for the purpose of helping children to properly relate to their Maker.
Confusion About Authority
Our culture does not like authority; neither being under it or exercising it. Children will suffer if parents don't know the nature and extent of their authority: where it comes from, on what grounds can they exercise it, is it absolute and whether it requires perfection.
Without a biblical understanding of authority we will follow the world's pattern and think authority over our children must be forced or given by their consent, rather that derived and assigned by God. When children are the decision makers we wrongly teach them about freedom and automony. Our freedom is found in obedience to God (Psalm 119:44-45).
Obedience from our children should not be seen as measure taken for our comfort and convenience but as our God-given assignment to help them live for and obey God.
Called To Be In Charge
God calls us to rule over our children. Thus, we are acting on behalf of God, much like an older sibling telling a young sibling, "Mom says you gotta clean up your room." We are not to shape our children according to our desires, but on God's desires. This is the angle we must pursue all the time in our parenting.
Abraham was chosen by God. One of his tasks was to direct his children and future generations to obey the Lord (See Genesis 18:19).
Deuteronomy 6:2 reminds us that the Israelites and their descendants were to fear the Lord by keeping His decrees. Parenting must keep this in mind. So speaking of God and His Word is to take place in various parts of the day; sleeping, rising, walking, etc. This is accomplished through God's chosen agent--the parent (see also Ephesians 6:4).
As parents we must not let our preferences or anger or sin ruin the process of parenting as God's agents. We must repent of our sin and ask God to forgive us as we seek to do this rightly before God--just as we expect and lead our children to do. If you are angry that your children are not obeying you then it shows them that the problem is between you and them NOT them and God. Their rebellion against you is first and foremost rebellion against God.
Called To Obedience
1. Confidence to Act - When you realize that your authority is from God you won't have to second guess yourself. You don't need permission from your child to parent them.
2. A Mandate to Act - This is not optional. It is a command. To not do what God says to do is sin. How do we expect our children to obey God if we do not? Some parents act as advisers or suggestion makers leading their children to think that they are the decision makers. ie, "What do you want for breakfast? What do you want to do today? What do you want to wear?" Children brought up this way, without parental leading begin to think they are their own boss and can terrorize the home when they get older. Some argue that children must learn to make good decisions--true! But they learn to make good decisions by watching their parents make good decisions, not by being the ruler of the home.
Parenting Defined
God has called us to do more than being providers of food, shelter and clothing. We are more than care-providers. It's not a task based on convenience of schedule. The training is happening all the time. It's just a matter of whether it's good or bad.
To parent effectively you must know them and what makes them tick.
1. Clear Objectives - Do we know our children's strengths and weaknesses? Do we have goals to help their weaknesses? Do we have a plan to encourage their strengths? Short-term, long-term goals? Do we have a plan to help shape their heart?
Correction and shepherding should not be a by-product of public embarrassment or personal frustration.
Parenting includes pointing our children to the grace and mercy of God in Christ's saving work.
2. Humility In Your Task - You are God's representative to your child. You are an ambassador. We are to correct our children by God's command. This task means more than correction. It includes setting an example, even asking for forgiveness of them when you have not parented correctly. If you speak to them in unholy anger you must humbly seek forgiveness from God and your child. This helps them to see that you are not serving your agenda but God's. They are more apt to follow you when they see that you are trying to rightly relate to God as well.
3. No Place For Anger - Discipline and correction are not the time to display raw and uncontrolled anger. We do not want them to learn the fear of man but the fear of God. James 1:19-20 reminds us to be slow to anger because it does not produce the righteous life that God desires.
4. Benefits to the Child - When parents correct and lead based on God's authority then the child begins to see this. God willing, they will learn to accept correction from God. We aren't perfect, but God is. It's His correction we want them to be under.
Summary
We don't need to be timid in our parenting. Our authority is derived from God and we are commanded to parent in a godly way that leads our children to know and love God. Neither should be we overbearing. We are not the boss--God is. We are likewise sinners in need of grace and mercy. We want that shown to our children as well so that they'll come to salvation.
1. Discipline: Corrective, Not Punitive - The correction we provide our children needs to be focused on God as the offended party that way discipline/correction is seen as corrective not punitive.
2. Discipline: An Expression of Love - Proverbs 3:12 The Lord disciplines those He loves. There is no distinction between discipline and love. Discipline is an expression of love. Discipline should not be revenge. Discipline should not be done in anger or out of selfishness. That is an unbiblical view of marriage. Discipline is fatherly because it comes from God our Father. If we don't see ourselves as God's agents, then all of this will be missed in our parenting and we won't do it correctly.
You are harming the child and their soul when you use expressions like "I am fed up with you. You are making me mad" and other expressions that don't point them to God. They learn to fear you and not God. Any change in behavior will likely be man-centered versus being God-centered.
Disciplined children are a blessing (Proverbs 23:15-16, 24). But discipline should be done with a proper perspective, proper motives and proper methods. Parenting and correction should all come from God's Word. Discipline is restorative not punitive. We are helping them to be restored to God.
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