BOOK SUMMARY: WHEN SINNERS SAY I DO - CHAPTER 4 - TEST DRIVE YOUR DOCTRINE

PUT IN IN DRIVE

When God saves us, God continues to draw us to His love as He teaches us by His Word. How do we act on what we know and believe about God? How do we apply wisdom to marriage. Wisdom is a life of decisions when someone is rightly related to God. Wisdom isn't how much you know. It's a life submitted to God in our thinking and doing. Ultimately, Christ is our wisdom (1 Corinthians 1:30). That's why we can ask God for it (James 1:5).  

FIRST GEAR: IN HUMILITY SUSPECT YOURSELF FIRST

As the chief of sinners, true humility is living confidently in Christ's righteousness and being suspicious of our own. In marital conflicts, being primarily and regularly suspicious of myself means that I've acknowledged that my heart plays the central role in my behavior and that my heart is prone to wander from God and His ways.   

SECOND GEAR: IN INTEGRITY, INSPECT YOURSELF

We often want to fix our marriages problems by fixing our spouse. Scripture doesn't give us permission to make our spouse's sins first priority (Matthew 7:3-5). Hypocrites are speck focused. Our primary duty is to inspect ourselves first. Jesus' emphasis is not on who is more at fault but on whom your focus is. If you suspect yourself (humility), then you are more likely to inspect yourself first (integrity). This will lower your irritation and soften your tone. In your conflict are you trying to vindicate yourself, be proven right, show yourself spiritually superior...or are you serving your spouse and trying to bless them?

THIRD GEAR: ADMIT THAT CIRCUMSTANCES ONLY REVEAL EXISTING SIN

Blame-shifting will fool some of the people some of the time, but it will never fool God any of the time. No one makes us sin. We don't sin because of our circumstances. See Matthew 15:10-20. Sin is already in our heart. That's where the problem is.

FOURTH GEAR: FOCUS ON UNDESERVED GRACE, NOT UNMET NEEDS

Secular counselors believe marriage problems are due to unmet needs. The Bible says that the problem is unsatisfied desires (James 4:1-2).  Scripture places the blame for conflict on how bad I want something regardless of how legitimate that desire is.  Can our spouse's behavior tempt us to sin? Absolutely, but they can never make us sin. That comes from within. 

Needs are not wrong. We are dependent on God to meet our needs. But genuine needs and desires disguised as needs are different. It's not wrong to desire various expressions of affection, but those good things are out of order if we define them as needs. When we define desires as needs we can become demanding or manipulating. Our truest needs are met in Christ's death and resurrection.