Matthew 18:15 If Your brother sins against you, go and show
him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won
your brother over.
It’s not a coincidence that Matthew 18 gives us the parable of the lost sheep, instructions on church discipline and the parable of the merciless servant. These things are about restoration, not confrontation. Restoration includes confessing, encouraging, teaching, instructing, reasoning with, warning, admonishing and rebuking (Matthew 5:23-24; Luke 17:3; 1 Thessalonians 5:14; 2 Timothy 2:24, 4:2). Scripture presents various ways people spoke when talking to people about their sin (John 4:1-18; Luke 15, Esther 5-7).
It’s not a coincidence that Matthew 18 gives us the parable of the lost sheep, instructions on church discipline and the parable of the merciless servant. These things are about restoration, not confrontation. Restoration includes confessing, encouraging, teaching, instructing, reasoning with, warning, admonishing and rebuking (Matthew 5:23-24; Luke 17:3; 1 Thessalonians 5:14; 2 Timothy 2:24, 4:2). Scripture presents various ways people spoke when talking to people about their sin (John 4:1-18; Luke 15, Esther 5-7).
SOONER OR LATER, FACE-TO-FACE
Although Scripture says that we are to talk to others personally and privately in regards to sin (Matthew 18:15-20), it doesn’t follow that it must always proceed this way at first. There are exceptions to this rule. Sometimes an intermediary in necessary to help restoration move forward (Genesis 50:15-16, 2 Samuel 14:1-23). Intermediaries might be necessary when: (1). cultural differences prevent resolution, (2). intimidation is present due to authority or communication skills, (3). a person was abused and can be manipulated by an abuser. Although these things might be present, we cannot forego seeking reconciliation and restoration. At the same time, we should be mindful that intermediaries can hurt the reconciliation process (2 Samuel 14-18). Genuine relationship involves personal communication.
IF SOMEONE HAS SOMETHING AGAINST YOU
Jesus teaches us in Matthew 5:23-24 that if we discover than anyone has something against us, real or perceived, that we should take the initiative to go and talk to that person before we offer our worship to God. We should do this out of love for the other person. We don’t want them to fester in bitterness or anger (Matthew 5:21-22, Ephesians 4:30-31, Proverbs 14:30). Also, if what they have against us is true, then we will have had the opportunity to confess our sin and ask for forgiveness.
WHEN SOMEONE’S SINS ARE TOO SERIOUS TO OVERLOOK
Luke 17:3 calls us to go and talk to someone about their sin when it’s too serious to overlook. In order to avoid needlessly embarrassing another person, intermediaries should be sought rarely. It shouldn’t be the norm. How do we know whether or not we should confront someone instead of overlooking a sin? Ask ourselves: (1). Is it dishonoring to God? Matthew 21:12-13; Romans 2:23-24, (2). It is damaging your relationship? (3). Is it hurting others? 1 Corinthians 5:1-13; 2 Timothy 4:2-4; Proverbs 10:17, (4). It is hurting the offender? Proverbs 24:11-12; Galatians 6:1; James 5:19-20. While Scripture endorses constructive private conversations, it is not a license to be a busybody where you constantly look for sin in the lives of others (2 Thessalonians 3:11; 1 Timothy 5:13; 2 Timothy 2:23; 1 Peter 4:15). If this 1 Corinthians 5:1-13; 2 Timothy 4:2-4; Proverbs 10:17describes you, then you ought to do some heart examining. At the same time, we should be reluctant and avoid all opportunities to reconcile or to confront someone in sin. Matthew 7:1 is not a valid reason to avoid this sort of confrontation. We must not use human rationalizing to duck our responsibilities. The excuse of “Who am I to tell someone else what to do” is invalid. Genuine love compels us to act appropriately to help others in their sin (Romans 15:14; Colossians 3:16; 2 Timothy 2:24-26). When others are caught unaware in Satan’s traps (Galatians 6:1), we are to restore those people. This means to help mend or repair that person so that they are equipped for kingdom use.
Although Scripture says that we are to talk to others personally and privately in regards to sin (Matthew 18:15-20), it doesn’t follow that it must always proceed this way at first. There are exceptions to this rule. Sometimes an intermediary in necessary to help restoration move forward (Genesis 50:15-16, 2 Samuel 14:1-23). Intermediaries might be necessary when: (1). cultural differences prevent resolution, (2). intimidation is present due to authority or communication skills, (3). a person was abused and can be manipulated by an abuser. Although these things might be present, we cannot forego seeking reconciliation and restoration. At the same time, we should be mindful that intermediaries can hurt the reconciliation process (2 Samuel 14-18). Genuine relationship involves personal communication.
Jesus teaches us in Matthew 5:23-24 that if we discover than anyone has something against us, real or perceived, that we should take the initiative to go and talk to that person before we offer our worship to God. We should do this out of love for the other person. We don’t want them to fester in bitterness or anger (Matthew 5:21-22, Ephesians 4:30-31, Proverbs 14:30). Also, if what they have against us is true, then we will have had the opportunity to confess our sin and ask for forgiveness.
Luke 17:3 calls us to go and talk to someone about their sin when it’s too serious to overlook. In order to avoid needlessly embarrassing another person, intermediaries should be sought rarely. It shouldn’t be the norm. How do we know whether or not we should confront someone instead of overlooking a sin? Ask ourselves: (1). Is it dishonoring to God? Matthew 21:12-13; Romans 2:23-24, (2). It is damaging your relationship? (3). Is it hurting others? 1 Corinthians 5:1-13; 2 Timothy 4:2-4; Proverbs 10:17, (4). It is hurting the offender? Proverbs 24:11-12; Galatians 6:1; James 5:19-20. While Scripture endorses constructive private conversations, it is not a license to be a busybody where you constantly look for sin in the lives of others (2 Thessalonians 3:11; 1 Timothy 5:13; 2 Timothy 2:23; 1 Peter 4:15). If this 1 Corinthians 5:1-13; 2 Timothy 4:2-4; Proverbs 10:17describes you, then you ought to do some heart examining. At the same time, we should be reluctant and avoid all opportunities to reconcile or to confront someone in sin. Matthew 7:1 is not a valid reason to avoid this sort of confrontation. We must not use human rationalizing to duck our responsibilities. The excuse of “Who am I to tell someone else what to do” is invalid. Genuine love compels us to act appropriately to help others in their sin (Romans 15:14; Colossians 3:16; 2 Timothy 2:24-26). When others are caught unaware in Satan’s traps (Galatians 6:1), we are to restore those people. This means to help mend or repair that person so that they are equipped for kingdom use.
SPECIAL CONSIDERATION
1. Going to non-Christians – Christians are to be concerned about the well-being of believers and unbelievers. But we must remember that these principles are primarily given to believers. Nevertheless, we can still use many of them to help be peacemakers.2. Going to a person in authority – We can avoid confronting authority figures simply because of their position (1 Timothy 5:19-20). Neither must we be rude (1 Timothy 5:1).3. Dealing with sexual or physical abuse – Because abusers can be manipulative or intimidating, it is not wise to have a victim confront an abuser privately. Others should be involved. If the abuser is a professing Christian, confession and repentance should be sought after. Counseling would include submitting to legal authorities and the necessary consequences. Support for both the victim and abuser might include counseling. The church should minister lovingly to the victim and do what they can to ensure their safety.4. Go tentatively and repeatedly – Oftentimes it is a mere misunderstanding that leads to conflict. It’s always wise to approach another person with humility and an understanding that we might be wrong about something. Be prepared for the fact that the first meeting may not go well and that further meetings would be required. Matthew 18:15 calls us to “go and tell a brother their fault.” The word GO implies a continual action. They might need time to consider their sin. They might need time to pray. They might need time to calm down. They might need time to consider your own confession if you have sinned.
AFTER THE LOG IS OUT OF YOUR EYE
Don’t forget what Jesus taught in Matthew 7:3-5. Our own confession might, not always, encourage others to confess their sins. If they won’t move towards reconciliation through confession of sin, you can.
Don’t forget what Jesus taught in Matthew 7:3-5. Our own confession might, not always, encourage others to confess their sins. If they won’t move towards reconciliation through confession of sin, you can.
1. Overlook the offense – If the sin is minor, you can choose to do this.2. Build upon their superficial confession3. You may need to address their sin now – It might be serious enough that it cannot wait any longer.4. You may need to postpone confrontation until another time – It might not be an urgent matter. It might be that your confession was enough for the initial meeting. If they continue in sin, you might have better insight now that your log is out…and they might later see your actions in hindsight and follow suit.
1. What is your go-to response when you have conflict with another person due to sin?
2. Why is it important to see
this process as a restoration rather than it being primarily a conflict?
3. There are many words used
in Scripture in how we are to deal with sin. Which surprises you?
4. What is it about these
kinds of face-to-face conversations that intimidates you?
5. Why should intermediaries
be used sparingly in an initial meeting for restoration?
6. When someone has a real or
perceived problem with you, do you generally seek our restoration? Why or why
not?
7. What sort of attitude do
you generally have when it’s time to have a hard conversation with someone?
8. When someone else makes
the first move and seeks to be restored to you, what is your reflexive
response
9. Which of the special
considerations stood out to you?
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