Proverbs 19:11 A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his gory to overlook an offense.
How can I show Jesus' work in me by owning up to my part in the conflict? Matthew 7:5 calls us hypocritical when we judge others without taking the log out of our own eye first before trying to help someone remove a splinter from their eye.
Matthew 7:3-5 gives us Jesus' teaching on resolving conflict. It doesn't forbid us from talking to others about their sin. It just forbids it until we do some self-surgery. We must not be premature or improper in our loving correction of others. Self-examination includes checking to see if we are overly sensitive and being offended too easily. It also requires us to identify our sinful actions.
DEFINE THE ISSUES
In order to resolve conflict we must identify the real issues causing division. Division generally revolves around material and personal issues. Material conflict relates to property, money or something tangible. These sorts of issues should be resolved through negotiation (Chapter 11). Personal conflict has to do with what is going on inside us. It often relates to how we feel in regards to the way we were treated. These sorts of conflicts are resolved through overlooking an offense or through confession, loving correction and forgiveness. Sometimes material conflict is bound up together with personal conflict (see Luke 12:13-15).
Sometimes material and person conflicts escalate and a host of other issues are brought up. Stop dragging in more issues and address the ones brought up. Try to address the primary issues before moving to other issues. It's always worth asking, "Is this really worth fighting over?" Major issues cannot be overlooked. Sometimes progress must be made in personal conflict before progress can be made in material conflict. Sometimes there is give and take as to what needs to be worked on. But some matters should be overlooked.
OVERLOOK MINOR OFFENSES
See Psalm 19:11, Proverbs 17:14; 1 Peter 4:8; Ephesians 4:2; Colossians 3:13. We are exhibiting God's nature when we do this (Psalm 103:8-10). God does not deal harshly with us and this same grace should be shown to others. How do we know when to overlook an offense? First, the offense should not have erected a wall between you and caused long-term ill-will towards the other person. Secondly, the offense should not harm the reputation of God, others or the offender. Overlooking is not the same as a passive process of sidelining the issue only to bring it up later. That leads to brooding, not forgiveness. Overlooking is active and inspired by the gospel as God is merciful to us. You're deliberate is not talking about it, dwelling on it, or brooding over it.
CHECK YOUR ATTITUDE AND CHANGE IT
An overly sensitive attitude can cause us to not overlook minor offenses. Examine our own attitudes against God's Word. Paul's instruction for conflict resolution are found in Philippians 4:2-9. We are to:
(1). Rejoice In The Lord Always - He repeats this phrase for emphasis. Let's open our eyes to God's goodness in the midst of conflict. Satan wants you wrapped up in this conflict looking everywhere but to God.(2). Let Your Gentleness Be Evident To All - Gentleness means large-hearted, lenient. It's the opposite of irritability, rudeness and abrasiveness. This gentleness should be observable by all. Gentleness helps the person who has wronged you especially if they are in pain or under great stress.(3). Replace Anxiety With Prayer - Anxious thoughts are those thoughts that are burdensome, troubling, and stressful. These feelings are magnified when we have conflict in our lives. Paul doesn't just tell us to stop being anxious. We are to replace anxious thoughts with prayers of gratitude and petition. Put off, then put on. Prayerful remembrance of God's goodness leads us to be hopeful about the future we face. This is where God gives the unexplainable peace that guards your heart and mind. This internal subjective peace can lead to external peace and reconciliation with others.(4). See Things As They Really Are - The removal of anxiety helps us to see things more accurately. Anxiety exaggerates our perception and can warp our view of others and the conflict we have. Philippians 4:8 says we are to think about what is true, noble, right pure, lovely admirable, excellent or praiseworthy. Find those things in the other person. A counterbalance is necessary to see things as they really are. Overlooking a minor offense is easier when you do this. A balanced view will help you see what you will lose if you do not resolve the conflict you have with the other person. A balanced view may bring out the same in the other person.(5). Practice What You've Learned - Paul continues to exhort that those who are in a quarrel are to do what they have learned--and God's peace will be with them. Knowledge of the Bible isn't really knowledge until it is assimilated into your living.
COUNT THE COST
Conflict is more expensive that we first perceive. Matthew 5:25-26 reminds us to quickly come to terms with our adversary lest you incur prison time. Prison time isn't the only cost we may incur if conflict is not resolved. It may even embitter us towards God (Psalm 73:21-22). It can hurt others at work, home or church.
WHAT ABOUT RIGHTS?
Some people want to assert their to pursue justice in a conflict. It's good to contemplate what would have to us if God pursued justice instead of grace and mercy. It's much harder to fathom why God saves any of us at all verses why God only saves some. We were all once children of wrath but now are joint-heirs with Christ. Much of what is right legally is not right according to God's Word. Sometimes is wrong to exercise our rights as Supreme Court Antonin Scalia noted. People may plead the statutes of fraud or limitations to escape responsibility but that is wrong. We should not act in these manners in our conflicts. We must do right before God (Matthew 7:12; Matthew 18:21-35) not what may be right civilly or legally. Abraham gave up his rights (Genesis 13:5-12). Joseph gave up his rights (Genesis 50: 19-21). Paul gave up his rights (1 Corinthians 9:3-15). Jesus gave up his rights to cling to his manifest glory by taking on flesh (Philippians 2:7) and dying for us. The only right we have is to do all to the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:31). We must ask ourselves if exercising our rights will honor God by showing the gospel, advancing His kingdom or benefiting others? Is it essential for my well-being? Paul asserted his rights as a Roman citizen to avoid being flogged and to make His appeals in court, but it was for the purpose of spreading the gospel. When we do this, we draw attention to the goodness of God. Asserting our rights is sometimes necessary to help others learn that they are accountable to God (Proverbs 19:19). Asserting right may be necessary to care for our family.
Be careful about asserting rights in the name of stewardship. God hasn't called us to preserve everything He's entrusted to us. We are to invest it (Matthew 25:24-27). Waste is different than investing for the sake of Christ.
QUESTIONS AND THOUGHTS TO CONSIDER:
(1). What did you think about the opening story of the pastor and the elders seeking reconciliation?
(2). Define material and personal issues in your own words.
(3). Why must we define the issues of a conflict in order to be a peacemaker?
(4). Are you in the habit of overlooking minor offenses or are you keeping track of them only to strike out at a later time? Do you brood over sins committed against you?
(5). Which of Paul's instructions do you need to start putting into practice when it comes to checking your attitude? (1) (2) (3) (4) (5)
(6). Is there a time when conflict has cost you more than you expected?
(7). Can you share a time when you laid down your rights for the glory of God? Is there a time when you asserted your rights for God's glory?
(8). Take a moment to think of someone with whom you have a conflict. Do you clearly understand the issues? Is the offense worth overlooking? Have you checked your attitude? Have you counted the cost? Is God's glory in view?
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