When others wrong us or oppose us we tend to look out for self by justifying our actions and seeking to get our way. This selfish way of thinking and living makes things worse.
As Christians saved by the grace of God, we ought to be concerned with drawing attention to God. Colossians 3:1-2 reminds us to set our hearts on things above, where Christ is seated, not on earthly things?
We must recall God's mercy so that we can see more clearly how to deal with conflict.
CHAPTER 1
To some, conflict feels like a threat. To others it feels like a challenge to overcome. For others it is an opportunity to solve common problems in a way that glorifies God.
THE SLIPPERY SLOPE OF CONFLICT
There are 3 basic ways that people respond to conflict as illustrated above and discussed below. We need God's help to keep us from escape responses and attack responses. We need Him to teach us how to be peacemakers from His Word.
(1). Escape Responses - Some believe that all conflict is wrong or dangerous. To avoid conflict these common responses are employed.
- Denial - people can pretend conflict or a problem doesn't exist (Eli's sons - 1 Samuel 2:22-25)
- Flight - Flight can include leaving the house or even ending a relationship, changing churches or quitting a job (Sara and Hagar - Genesis 16:1-8). That is different than withdrawing from a heated situation to gain clarity or to pray for wisdom. This is also different than fleeing for safety.
- Suicide - When all hope of conflict resolution is gone people may seek to take their own life (Saul - 1 Samuel 31:1-4). This is always the wrong way to handle conflict. Suicide is the third leading cause of adolescent deaths in the US.
(2). Attack Responses - These responses are used by those who are more interested in winning a conflict than preserving a relationship. Conflict is seen as something to overcome. These responses can be used by those who feel strong or weak. The object is to eliminate opposition not create reconciliation.
- Assault - verbal attacks or physical attacks might be used (Stephen - Acts 6:8-15). Sabotaging another's life is sometimes done as well.
- Litigation - The court system is often used to get people to do what we want them to do and end conflict. Some litigation is appropriate but not all (Romans 13:1-5). Christians should seek to settle disputes outside of court (1 Corinthians 6:1-8).
- Murder - In extreme cause people kill others to end disputes (Stephen's stoning - Acts 7:54-58). Jesus address anger and murder of the heart (Matthew 5:21-22).
(3). Peacemaking Responses - These responses are commanded by God. Here is a brief overview. The first three responses are personal and private. The second three responses involve the help of others.
- Overlook An Offense - It is to man's glory to overlook an offense (Proverbs 19:11). This is a form of forgiveness. You don't dwell on it or talk about it or let it create bitterness.
- Reconciliation - When an offense is too serious to overlook we have to resolve issues through confession, loving correction and forgiveness (Matthew 5:23-24, Galatians 6:1, Matthew 18:15).
- Negotiation - At times we may have to settle matters about money or property or other rights. This requires give and take and a willingness to compromise. It especially calls us to be concerned about the affairs of others (Philippians 2:4).
- Mediation - An objective person may need to meet at the same time with both parties to help them communicate and settle a dispute (Matthew 18:16). Mediators help but have no authority to force you to accept a particular solution.
- Arbitration - If mediation doesn't help. Both parties may agree to appoint an arbitrator to listen to the arguments and render a verdict (1 Corinthians 6:4).
- Accountability - If a person refuses to reconcile or repent then the church must hold this person accountable (Matthew 18:17). This is supposed to be loving, redemptive and restorative.
INTERESTING TRENDS ON THE SLOPE
Moving from left to right we see movement from private to public. Moving from left to right we see movement from voluntary to forced solutions. The extreme responses result in greater loss in a variety of ways. Both extremes end in death. Litigation is similar to attack in that the attorney makes you look good and the other party looks bad. Escape responses are focused on me. Attack responses are focused on you. Peacemaking is focused on us.
A BIBLICAL VIEW OF CONFLICT
Broad Definition - Conflict is a difference in opinion or purpose that frustrates someone's goals or desires.
Conflict often arises from four primary reasons:
(1). Poor communication (Joshua 22:10-34).
(2). Differences in values, goals or opinions (Acts 15:39, 1 Corinthians 12:12-31).
(3). Competition over limited resources (Genesis 13:1-12)
(4). Sinful Attitudes (James 4:1-2).
Many conflicts aren't inherently sinful because opinions and desires vary. We should not demand conformity but always seek unity. Differences can promote love and make life more interesting. We ought to see conflict as an opportunity to demonstrate the love and power of God (1 Corinthians 10:31-11:1).
GLORIFYING GOD
We can use conflict to draw attention to God's grace, love, mercy and forgiveness He gives us through Christ.
(1). You Can Trust God - Ask God for grace help to follow Him even if it feels counterintuitive (Proverbs 3:5-7). Trust that God is using this to grow you with the same grace with which saved you.
(2). You Can Obey God - Jesus obeyed God completely which secures our salvation. We glorify Him by our obedience (1 John 5:1-3).
(3). You Can Imitate God - (Ephesians 5:1-2)
(4). You Can Acknowledge God - When others wonder how you are able to deal with conflict in amazing ways, you can give credit to God and share where you got the wisdom (Philippians 2:13, 1 Peter 3:14-16).
Glorifying God benefits us as well (Psalm 37:31).
Our actions will show that God is big or that you and your problems are big.
SERVE OTHERS
We serve others by praying for them in the midst of conflict (Luke 6:27-28).
We may find that we carry another person's burdens as you resolve conflict (Galatians 6:2, 9-10). Lashing out many times indicates other frustrations.
We might encourage others to trust in Jesus as conflict is resolved (1 Peter 3:15-16).
We might teach others how to resolve conflict (Titus 2:7).
GROW TO BE LIKE CHRIST
Paul followed Christ and called others to follow him (1 Corinthians 11:1). God's purpose is salvation is to glorify Himself by transforming you to look like Christ (Romans 8:28-29). In conflict God may exposes sin in you in a variety of ways like pride, speech, an unforgiving heart or stubbornness. Worry less about going through conflict and focus more on growing through conflict.
THE FOUR G'S OF PEACEMAKING
(1). Glorify God
(2). Get the log out of your own eye
(3). Gently restore
(4). Go and be reconciled
STEWARDING CONFLICT
We are conflict managers or stewards. Effective stewards:
(1). Stay motivated - the gospel motivates
(2). Stay informed - we must know God's will (2 Timothy 3:16-17)
(3). Stay strengthened - the Spirit enables (Galatians 5:22-23, 2 Chronicles 16:9a)
(4). Stay dependent - when weary seek help from the church (Hebrews 10:23-25)
(5). Stay faithful - (1 Corinthians 4:2, Matthew 25:21)
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER
(1). Why isn't it true that all conflict is wrong or dangerous?
(2). Which response to conflict do you typically use to try and resolve a dispute? How effective was it?
(3). Is conflict always sinful? Explain.
(4). How can conflict be used to create unity without conformity? How does this glorify God?
(5). When you're in conflict does glorifying God immediately pop up into your mind?
(6). How does our response to conflict expose what we think about God (Matthew 22:37)?
(7). How does glorifying benefit us (Psalm 37:31)?
(8). Who is glorified in conflict if God is not?
(9). Does your handling of conflict show that Jesus has saved you and He is your Lord (John 17:4)?
(10). Are we praying for those with whom we have genuine conflict? How did Jesus teach us to pray (Matthew 6:12)?
(11). What is a manager or a steward? How are conflict situations times to be a steward or a manager (Luke 12:42)? How do you think God would evaluate your stewardship of conflict opportunities?
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