But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that “every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.” -- Matthew 18:16
In the event that we cannot resolve our personal conflicts, we may seek help. Godly, unbiased individuals can be of great help (See Matthew 18:15-20).
THE MATTHEW 18 PROCESS
We should try to keep the circle of people involved in a conflict as small as possible for as long as possible. The goal is to bring about repentance and reconciliation not maximum exposure.
(1). Step One: Overlook Minor Offenses (see chapters 1-3).(2). Step Two: Talk In Private (see chapters 5 & 6). If you cannot overlook the offense because it is too serious, then you should talk to the other person to show them their fault. Negotiation might also be appropriate depending upon the issue (see Chapter 11). If this step fails, proceed to the next step.(3). Step Three: Take One Or Two Others Along - The basis for this comes from Deuteronomy 19:15-20. Sometimes these witnesses act as intermediaries, promoting understanding and reconciliation. Sometimes they act as mediators, offering biblical counsel. Sometimes they may serve as arbitrators and provided a binding decision about how to resolve the matter (see 1 Corinthians 6:1-8). These reconcilers may be mutual friends, church leaders or trained Christian mediators/arbitrators. If it's a technical issue those with legal knowledge or professional help might be warranted. Reconcilers should be unbiased. You may seek the help of reconcilers even if the other person doesn't want it but it's always wise to inform the person that you are seeking such help. In seeking help from reconcilers, do not give them unnecessary details about the conflict. Simply explain that you have a conflict that requires their help for reconciliation. You don't want the reconcilers to form opinions ahead of time, nor do you want the other person to think you're giving yourself a biased advantage. With both parties and reconcilers present, you may each share your side of the conflict. Reconcilers should help apply the listening and communication skills we discussed previously; listening, asking questions to determine facts, etc. Reconcilers may give advice (see Matthew 18:17). They should encourage confession and repentance when necessary. They might propose solutions. You and the person involved in a conflict might determine ahead of time to abide by the reconciler's counsel should you not come to an agreement on your own. Finally, the reconcilers may serve at witnesses to report to the church the problem should the conflict not be resolved.(4). Step Four - Tell It To The Church (Church Accountability) - If steps 1 & 2 fail, Jesus commands us to tell it to the church. Church leadership should be informed so that they can talk with the reconcilers. Matthew 18:18-20 tells us that the church speaks with the authority of Christ when it is acting in accordance with the Biblical mandate in dealing with sin. Christians may properly disobey their church in these matters only when its instructions are contrary to God's Word. During this step, the church members should remind the sinning believers that they cannot properly worship God until the matter is taken care of (2 Thessalonians 3:14-15).(5). Step Five - Treat Him As A Nonbeliever - God calls us to act justly, to seek peace and to be reconciled to others. A person who does not do this after steps 1-4 and continues to act against God's will must be treated as a pagan. The word AS is important. We can't know if a person is truly saved or not; only God can. But if they are acting like an unbeliever and unwilling to repent, we must treat them as if they are unsaved. It is a functional decision. Treating them as an unbeliever is the last resort to show them how serious their sin is. This is accomplished by removing them from membership and its privileges and referring to them as sir or ma'am instead of brother or sister. But we must also share the gospel with them. The whole point of this process is restoration, not condemnation. If they proceed to disrupt the peace of the church, it might be appropriate to remove them from the church property. We should pray for them and when we see them, instead of engaging in superficial banter, we should encourage them to repent. Repentance and restoration took place through church discipline in the Corinthian church (see 1 Corinthians 5:1-3 & 2 Corinthians 2:5-11). Revoking membership prevents the Lord's name from being slandered. It protects believers from being led astray. It can help the unrepentant person come back to the Lord and His people. Some churches disobey our Lord and do not practice the Lord's instructions from Matthew 18. This is a church that does not take sin seriously. Neither does it love correctly.
IS IT TIME TO GO TO COURT?
If a conflict cannot be resolved through church discipline, then your options are limited. You can give up any claim you have against the other person. You can pursue an alternate form of dispute resolution. A third option would be to file a lawsuit, but Scripture generally prohibits this solution.
THE WORLD NEEDS RECONCILERS
Thinking back over the past few months you likely experienced or saw someone else engaged in conflict. Even armed with the knowledge of a few of this book's principles, you could have been of some help. Continue to grow as a peacemaker.
DEVELOPING A CULTURE OF PEACE IN YOUR CHURCH
(1). Vision - this church sees peacemaking as essential to the Christian life.(2). Training - this church deliberately trains leaders and members in how to handle conflict(3). Assistance - this church provides reconcilers to help in all sorts of conflict including financial and legal issues(4). Perseverance - this church works hard and consistently to restore broken friendships and marriages(5). Accountability - this church holds its wayward members to the principles laid down by our Lord(6). Restoration - this church gladly forgives and restores members who repentant so that they are no longer under church discipline(7). Stability - this church has both leaders and members that are long-term and are pursuing unity in the body(8). Witness - this church seeks to live in a way that gives credibility to the gospel
QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION
(1). Have you ever had to seek help in order to bring about peace with another? How did it work out?(2). If you’ve been at our church for a while, then you know we practice church discipline for the purposes of restoration. What thoughts or questions have you encountered when we are in the process of church discipline? When it comes to treating an unrepentant person as an unbeliever, why must practical steps be taken? Who is to be involved in this part of the restoration process? Can we effectively do this is we are minimally known and minimally know others?(3). For what good purposes is a member excommunicated? What good purposes does an excommunication of an unrepentant person serve for the rest of the church?(4). Which of the 8 traits of “developing a culture of peace in your church” do you think our church has? Which ones can we improve on? Which of the 8 traits can we help our church improve as we study this book and its biblical principles?